Ni matter how hard I try, no matter how much i deny it….I’m still the scared little girl who just wants people to like her.
Ive been reading the wisdom of forgiveness by his holiness the Dalai Lama. To keep myself in line I figured it may be worthwhile to note these few things… as a reminder to all of us.
"If I develop bad feelings toward those who make me suffer, this will only destroy my own peace of mind. But if I forgive, my mind becomes calm. "
and on our existence…..
"It comes into being only through a complex web of relationships. It came to be a mug because of a host of different factors, not under its own steam. It is empty. Empty is another word for interdependent."
WE all have to live together, so in the interest of living a better life Im going to try to remember, the only reason im here, is because of abc and d. The person coming into my life depends on me to provide e. We cannot survive without each other.
After finishing the book Start by Jon akuf (sp) I realized how high I am on my ladder of entitlement. So my question remains, how to I get down? He tells you to kick the ladder aside any time you feel like climbing up another rung, but how do I become humble and go back to the place where I dont feel entitled. Only child syndrome is an ugly thing.
I mean I guess there is more to the process. I have to remind myself every time I think Im right that I
a- Dont need to announce it.
b- dont need to correct people with my rightness (i think it comes off poorly)
c-may actually be wrong. It happened last night. And It was stupid and Im kicking myself, because some people (shockingly) arent forgiving of being wrong. (tho this one was just a general asshole. )
So Should I try mantras? Should I try sticky notes? Should I just resign myself to shutting up? I feel it may be a fine line. You can be right, but you can also be a prick about it. You can be wrong, but it doesnt mean you’re automatically wrong all the time. I think the entitlement ladder is more so related to me thinking I’m better than everyone. Better at eating well and not being sick. Better at choosing beer to drink. Better at self control. Better at saving money. The list could go on and on. The thing that makes it hard is seeing that I actually DO some of those things better. But thats in my opinion a lot of times. Even if its not, no one likes someone that comes off sounding like an entitled prick. I guess getting off your tower comes with the art of gentle guiding. I dont know how to master that either. When the fat girl is bitching to the skinny girl about how she cant lose weight, all the skinny girl hears sees are the faults that are causing the weight to stick with her. Dont eat cookies. Dont drink that diet death drink. Eat a fucking salad. So clearly I havent gotten close to being “gentle” about it.
Wanting to help is such a downside. But helping with out the overtone of pretentiousness is tough. I guess one step at a time. Realize I am amazing, but not that amazing. Keeping myself at the level of others, not gazing at them from my vantage point on my ivory tower. But somehow maintain my focus towards the land of awesome, instead of sticking with average. This may be a tough one.
So the dream job didnt happen, which is obviously very upsetting. Tot he point where I cant seem to let go of it. With so much else going on in life that is so positive why do we cling to the things that are negative? And how do some people maintain a continuously happy demeanor even tho things arent going their way. Someone at work recently broke it off with their partner of 7 years, is 20,000$ in the hole and is perpetually smiling and making jokes. Meanwhile the rest of us sit there like bitter fucks, letting every little thing get to us. ITs so easy to say to not take things seriously, but follow thru, as always, gets the better of us. Meditation? PRayer? An insane ability to just ignore the bad things? I know theres a secret formula somewhere that Im missing. OR maybe the focus is in the wrong place. I just feel like im always behind the game, which is my fault surely. But how do I finally move ahead?
Maybe my goals are too broad. Maybe it should be narrowed down a little more. Get 3 major things done per day. BUt then how do I keep my goals from overriding the other goals? I want to work out daily, but i also want to get out of debt, So when hours at work come up, i need to take them. But then Im too exhausted the next day to work out. So then the goals cause me to miss my other goals. How does one find balance? and is it possible that balance is really what Im missing?
All I know is that I need to get over it. Get over myself, get over the hurt, get ready for next time. Get my freaking pallet garden planted.
Anyone who works with the public or another human being knows that people arent very smart. We ALL make mistakes with money and life. But my recent problem with people is that they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Case in point.
Yesterday at work we were engaged in a conversation about LWOPPING (leaving with out pay). Person A said they did too much this week and needed to be here the next 4 days to make it up. Person B said the same and stated how they had many payments to get to. Namely 4 car payments (yes 4) insurance and student loans. Me (trying to not sound mean or condescending) ‘Why dont you sell two of the cars’ (this makes total sense in my head) Her- Well two of the cars belong to my sons. Me - (trying to laugh thru my rage at her stupidity and to keep things light.) Wooeee! Id make them pay for their own cars then. Her- I cant theyre in college.
Mercefully I got a phone call so I had to turn away. But this caused me utter annoyance. I dont know if its because I constantly listen to Dave ramsey, who wouldve shown his frustration to this woman by yelling at her, or if its just so common sense that it made my head hurt. I mean really. Youre paying for 4 cars when your able bodied sons are going to school and more than likely spend their spare time drinking. Why not make them accept responsibility for their vehicles? Why not require them to be adults? or lets just say their studies make it impossible to work. ( I know this isnt true) Then sell the damn car, which im sure is worth more than $4000 and buy a freaking pos car that costs next to nothing. BOOM! problem solved! YOU HAVE LESS CAR PAYMENTS AND I GET TO NEVER HEAR ABOUT IT AGAIN!!!! This doesnt include my frustration about them paying for the kids college w loans.
I know why I dont have money. I had a Credit card problem that Ive been trying to solve. Im much farther ahead than Ive ever been. And by limiting myself and not spending out of my means I plan on actually being done with payments by 2013. Just in time to hopefully really kick my career full steam while making 22$+ per hour. Point being I try to not whine about my CC debt and my car loan. Because Im the one responsible. Im the one who caused the issue, Im the one who’s working to solve it.
I guess I should be happy that this means more money for me in the world. But it doesnt. It makes me frustrated that so many people will just continue to not accept responsibility for their actions. BEcause people who dont accept it with money, probably dont accept it with work or life. I cant wait to get out of the call center and into something different.
So sooner rather than later Im going to have to look into the wild and wonderful world of composting. We eat too many fruits and veggies in this house to not contemplate it. The questions now involve logistics.
We live in Arizona- not conducive to composting outside 4 months out of the year. and sometimes more depending on how cold it gets.
We live in 700sq feet of apt - not conducive space wise. WE could possibly stick it under the sink or in the bottom shelf of the pantry, but both spots are tight and Im not sure they would fill our needs. The other options are out in the open, which im not sure Dan will get on board for.
Luckily I found a place to get some worms, the step following that is to not kill them, which is entirely possible. There arent too many downsides to this idea, unless you consider how much junk is already crammed into this tiny apt, including animals. It would certainly cut down on our garbage tho. We have started using veggies to make homemade veggie stock, problem with that tho, we still have veggies to toss somewhere at the end, even if they are a bit soggy. My research to this is not as extensive as I would like it to be, so I guess that will be my next quest. MY lettuce is thriving-ish and thats def a point towards the positive. The more I grow, the less i buy, the more money I have. How is there a downside? And If Dan ever finishes up the pallet garden Idea, Ill have EVEN MORE!
So Im a slacker. This is my idea and I cant even stick with it. Either way, updates in green/natural/veggie world…
-oil pulling. I found this one on pintrest. Basically you get some coconut oil in your mouth and swish it for like 20 minutes. The oil is supposed to pull out toxins from your body via your gums. Its kind of awkward. I almost vom each time I put the oil in my mouth. Partially because my oil is currently mostly solidish. It makes things awkward. Its also supposed to pull stains from your teeth. It may be just my imagination, but my teeth looked whiter. Im only on day 4 so we shall see.The other downside in the constant jaw movement.. Im getting used to it.
-Growing my own lettuce. I got some plants from my friends garden and have placed them in respective pots. Day one looked fabulous. Day 2-5 have looked diceyer. Day 6 is looking up. Some plants are starting to regain their upright position and green color. Im taking this a good sign that I may in fact know what Im doing. Sometimes.
-Protein shakes. Being a veggie makes me lose weight. Good if youre fat. Not good if youre only 125 to begin with. So I had my mom send me her cancer gain weight recipe. I need to figure out how to do this without bananas. I dont like bananas being anything other than a banana, which im sure is purely mental. But either way. It was hard to swallow, literally.Strangely this also contains coconut oil.
-Natural facial lotion. Once again Coconut oil. Basically I wash, i add zit cream, I warm up some coconut oil and add it on. then I sleep and awake with beautifully soft skin. And shockingly less pimples. Also a side effect I wasnt prepared for. So basically Ill be single handedly supporting the coconut oil industry from here on out.
-Herbs for hair regrowth. So after noticing an even larger gap growing on my forehead, I decided I need to take other measures to regrow my beautiful hairs. Ive added nettle and black cohosh at the advice of the almighty internet. So far my hairline shows little improvement. My eyebrows however have begun to fill in. So im crossing my fingers that this trend continues everywhere but my upper lip and chin and legs. Im also considering nixing my birth control. Because lets face it. Its fking my hormones, in good and bad ways. If it doesnt work the way I want it to, I can always go back. And if the cramps become blinding again. Im crossing my fingers they wont.
Im not yet sure how this weekend will go. Dan is still feeling under the weather and we dont know if he will be better by the weekend. Either way. I figured I could come up with some ideas to try to keep things cheap.
Garage sales- I need to learn to negotiate. You’re selling this for $5? Ill give you $3. See? that wasnt hard. Yet for some reason I fee like Im going to offend someone by offering them less. Thats the name of the game tho. You are selling your crap trying to get any money from it. I am trying to buy said crap because I could use it. We both win. I guess Im afraid someone will yell at me or get pissed off? I dont know. Negotiation and bargaining are considered common practice in other countries, therefore I shouldnt see this as a problem.
Hiking- Big DUH answer. We spend gas money. And maybe money for snacks. The problem is the post hike. Last time it was Zipps, or Chipotle. No expensive, but an unneeded expense. Resolutions…have a tray of enchiladas waiting for us for lunch, or something equally as filling. Good idea, i still would like pho and will probably be easily swayed. Time will tell how this goes.
Bike ride- free. Maybe to get us to said garage sales. Downside- cold mornings.
Drinks by the pool- Grab a cheap bottle or something and something else to mix with it, drink in sun by pool. Done.
Goodwilling- ITs still spending money, but kind of reverts to the garage sales. I need good stuff cheap. For some reason all long sleeves I own have vanished. Maybe I should put all of the clothes away… and maybe I still need a shirt or two. Hmmm.
This brings me to another concept. I need a place to sell my stuff. I cant very well have a garage/sidewalk sale here. So possibly michelles roomie will let me use their sidewalk/driveway? Its a conversation I will try to have this weekend. Maybe I could get a few more people involved. Maybe I could have it at Jens? Logistically this still needs some work.
And I apparently need some work on my cheap activities. 4 isnt much and 2 of them involve spending money.Kinda defeats the purpose. :-\
So far today Ive managed to keep fighting the urge to go shopping (again) even grocery shopping. I figure we have so much in the fridge right now that it would be ridiculous to get more than just a few items. So im staying put at home again. If I keep putting it off again and again maybe I wont even have to go this week :) heres hoping. One thing down.
The eggplant ‘meatballs’ i made last night were bangin. Two things down.
The only thing is, Im running out of ideas and thoughts already. Its only 16 days into the new year… and Ive skipped some days. Hmmmmm. I suppose I could set a goal or two for the weekend.
Taking my books to sell at bookmans/searching for moms gift for later this year. (recycling two ways)
and selling some clothes at my sisters closet. Recycling and getting rid of stuff I dont use. Also getting money to put towards my second bill in my snowball.
On the plus side, today I will be going to the bank with my found money and paying off(almost) my Visa. The secret now will be keeping it paid off, which shouldnt be a problem as long as I remember to save money to pay for my hotel room in dallas.
This really feels very overwhelming. Honestly. I know I can do it and I know Ill be getting the money to take care of stuff, but I feel like Its only a small step in a giant sand dune. Because now one is paid off. I still have 3 more things to pay off, each more than the last. And if I cant get boyfriend on board with helping me out more, I dont know what Im going to do. Maybe its because patience is not my virtue. I want this stuff to be done yesterday.And it seems like something is always coming up to put me a step back. Maybe its because I let it… guess this means family budget meeting on Saturday. I cant keep doing this wondering if Dan will help me or not. The weight of this house isnt being equally distributed….First discussion. Emergency fund… second discussion… why I shouldnt be paying all the bills including my personal bills…. huzzahhhh
This morning I have excessive amounts of time before work. I spend my time so far anticipating getting myself together and going to target. For what, Im not even sure. When I sat down to eat breakfast I tried to make a list. This ended no where. Things I actually currently need at target? Nail polish remover. A $.99 item. Something that I would spend more on gas to get than the actual item’s worth. I found that I have no other direct needs at this time, I just want to go and buy unnecessary items such as more eyeshadow. So this begs the questions, am I really controlled that much by stuff that I feel the strong desire to shop for no apparent reason. Am I actually filling a void in my life with stuff? So now Im forcing myself to stay home, with a possible trip to the grocery store in a bit. Which I can actually justify. Because we could actually use food in this house.
IT makes me wonder how often Ive gone shopping in the past with no real reason, just justifications. Ive really got to start saving now, I got my phone call yesterday with a solid interview date. Feb 19. So its time to prepare for the 5 weeks without pay, even in the off chance I don’t get the job. I mean at the end of the savings time what would I have lost? nothing. I could have a solid amount in place to continue to save on OR I could get rid of some more debt. Its really a win win. But from now till that time I have to do as much as I can to have my money on track. Which doesnt mean going to target for no apparent reason other than Im in need of ‘stuff’ to make me feel better about myself.
I guess they call this a self realization. When you look down and say ‘hey, what ive been doing doesnt really make sense!’ *insert tiny lightbulb lighting up*
Once we reach this self realization, does it stay with us? Thats the biggest question I have because I dont want to wake tomorrow and have this same internal discussion. So just to remind myself, here’s stuff I know I’ll have to pay in the next 6 months.
- Hotel for interview $80ish
- Haircut and color for interview $120+
- Motor mounts. (according to blake probably in the $500 range)
- Snowboarding $100 (this actually makes me kind of not want to snowboard)
- Trip home (my parents have been up in my business about this… ) were probably thinking like $100. I can make this go either way. Depends on how much I can suck up free drink wise. Considering two friends are unemployed, two have kids and the rest just kind of dont show up… this seems like an impossible-ish feat. O well. I miss them.
So this week my goal will be to force myself to stay home. Just clean the house for a change. Dont be wasteful. Save your damn money. What little you have.